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11 May 2010 @ 07:59 am
In about an hour is my final oral exam in order to get that stupid, stupid masters.

And all I can think about is how if they don't pass me, I won't be able to help it. I'm just going to have to spew my guts out all over them.

Granted, that may happen BEFORE they pass or fail me.

BLAH. Pregnancy, thou art unkind.

Excuse me while I go throw up the water I was just trying to hydrate myself with.
07 December 2009 @ 01:58 pm
I realize I haven't written in this for years... YEARS, people! But I'm having such a crappy semester that I just need to write and get it out there, but people who are too nosey won't bother me on this blog. If that all makes sense.

So I had a miscarriage in September. It really really sucked. I got pregnant right after coming off birth control, which was great, and we were so excited, and it was perfect timing! I was graduating in April with my masters, and I'd have a baby in May... moving strait from school to mommyhood, the way I always wanted. Well, despite how excited I was I was suspicious of the pregnancy from the beginning... and about two weeks later it was confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. The thing with miscarriages is that they're so common, but so deflating. Everyone wants to tell you it's ok (for the record, hardly anyone knew I was pregnant, and only a few know I had a miscarriage), that it's really common (which it is... 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriages. Maybe more), that at least now you know that you CAN get pregnant... and you really want to be ok. I don't hate anyone for telling me those things, I know they were well meaning and all of those things are true. But I just wasn't ok.

So for the last few months I've been... surviving. I mean, on the outside, I look fine. I go to class, I'm getting decent grades, I teach my classes, etc. But it seems every week someone else is telling the world that they're pregnant, while I'm watching the days pass thinking about what it would be like if I was pregnant. I would be in my second trimester already... probably starting to feel the baby move. Jordan and I would be arguing whether or not to find out the baby's gender (I'm all for knowing, Jordan wants it to be a surprise). Maybe on of the most painful things is to see someone "accidentally" get pregnant... a teenager, a girl at school, heck, even my freakin' mom (Elyse was a surprise...). I really wanted my baby, and I lost her. Now, I'm well aware this is an insane way of thinking. I mean, how can I know how many people have had miscarriages? No one broadcastes it, no one says, "Well, I got pregnant this time but 6 months ago I miscarried." But I can' help but feel so jealous... miserable.

This last week I really thought I was pregnant again. I had all the sympotoms, everythign was there and then... no, not really. Not pregnant. For two days, I really thought it was going to be ok. I thought, "Yes. That whole miscarriage episode was miserable, but I'm ok now... now it's really going to happen." But no.

Every month is a new opprotunity, and the truth is that it's excellent that I got pregnant, period. I have several friends who are having trouble even concieving. All of this should get better in the coming months, I think. I hope. It's such a distracting way to end school, "Oh, I got strait A's. But I lost something else."

Sorry for such a depressing post. I'm sorry if I'm oversharing, but I had it get it out somewhere...
03 December 2007 @ 10:42 am
If I am still alive by the end of the week, it will be a major accomplishment.

I have pictures of the Senior Recital, will be posting them on Facebook sometime later today.

I'm taking the biology CLEP test tomorrow, and if I don't get a 57, I'm not graduating.

If I DO get a 57, I'm homDe free, with a degree in my pocket and hope for job and money.

Which reminds me, I'm out. I can't afford food (no worries, I have enough to last the next week and a half), I can't afford to clean my clothes, I can't afford to get copies of music made/faxed, and I can't afford to pay the gas bill my roommate is accumulating. Actually, I really can't afford to take the CLEP test... but I have anyway.

Next Thrusday, I will leave Nac forever. Yay?

My church gave me a goodbye party last night, and it was great. It's so sweet, they're having people write things in this little book that I get to take home with me. YOu know, I really am going to miss this place.

Jordan comes home in 2 1/2 months. Due to some recent letters, I very much feel that he and I are totally on the same page, and I don't feel guilt when looking at wedding dresses or rings. Not that I have recently. Lately, I really am just excited to be able to talk to him. It's actually not good, because I still DO have two months until he comes home, and I'm starting to get a little too excited... and I'm getting sad because it's so close yet so far away. But, overall, I'm nervousness is leaving me. I feel good about it all. If things DON'T work out, I'll still be ok.

Anywho, just an update. My Music for Children class makes me want to shoot myself, which is sad, really, because I'm actually pretty good at it.

28 November 2007 @ 08:38 pm
Recital is DONE! YAY! It went well, my family leaves tonight, and I have a crazy two weeks ahead of me. woo. I'm so sad to leave, but really excited to start a new phase of life. yay for that. Will post pictures on Facebook ASAP.

Current Mood: accomplished
25 October 2007 @ 09:29 pm
i say this here so that no one else from my college will read this.

I have had a pretty miserable evening. The main reason being that the solos for the Messiah were posted, and even though I was aware of the voices involved and I felt good about my audition, I was not given one. Heh. I'm a senior in college, just about to graduate, and it still feels horrible when you really want a particular solo, and you don't get it. If I could explain the dynamic of the department in a sentence, I would explain and perhaps some would understand why this is such a slap in the face. It's petty to think I have been not been included because they are still upset that I chose not to return for my grad. I still can't help but feel that way. Part of me just wants to graduate and go home. Yet I feel guilty because I chose to be with Jordan rather than staying in Nac. I feel guilty because I chose a personal relationship over building my career. And everytime I mention that perhaps, in general, grad school is not for me and that I would love to just start a family, I feel the world looking down on me as a waste of talent.

You want to know the real problem here? I'm allowing them to make me feel guilty. I need to banish that guilt, because I know this is the right choice for me. This is not their life, it's mine. Ok, so, no more feeling guilty.

In truth, I really don't think they with held a solo from me because they think my choices are naive. At least not conciously. I just wish I understood what my weakness was, you know?
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
23 September 2007 @ 09:12 pm
I hardly use livejournal anymore, I know, but I don't know, I suppose I'll put this out there if anyone cares to know (if you don't, it's fine). also, because I think I need to write it all out so I can see everything in front of me, and really decide how I am.

School is good, mostly. I really, really need to see the piano instructor to get my piano proficiency (sp?) taken care of, or I'm not graduating. I also have one more CLEP test to take, or I'm also not graduating. But if I get both of those out of the way, I will be finished with a bachelors in music in December. Awesome. My current classes are really interesting. First is Vocal Ped, the study of voice instruction. It's really almost an anatomy class, but a really useful anatomy class. I just had a test on the muscles of inhalation and exhalation, and currently we're studying to phisiology of the larynx. cool, eh? My form and analysis class is a form of theory that is actually challenging me. Right now, we're studying atonal set theory, which is really more math than anything truly musical. Finally, music for children III, which is interesting and challenging.

After graduating, I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do. I'm moving back to Fairbanks, which I'm pretty excited about. What I'm actually going to do there... well, I could work as a dental assistant for a bit, now that I have some solid training. I was also thinking about being a subsitute teacher, and maybe doing some temp work with a staffing company. don't worry, that's not my final career plans. I'm actually going to fly down to Utah to do an audition at BYU for a masters. If you didn't know, I've already been down to h ave a voice lesson with the faculty, and I was told that it looks really good to get one of the assistantships in Fall 2008. I'm really excited about it.

Which brings us to dear, old Jordan. Yeah, still waiting. Yes, I'm insane. I had a rough week, because I learned he had been telling people in Mongolia that he wouldn't be coming home until April 27 (I've been planning on Feburary). Yeah... that wasn't good. Anyway, come to find out, they don't do extensions that long anymore, and it looks like he'll probably be coming home early March. Not as good as Feburary 15, but better then April 27, by far.

Anyway, I thought there was more, but there isn't. There it is, all laid out... gosh, I hope I can make another 5 1/2 months.
16 June 2007 @ 10:04 pm
I am not very happy with where I am right now.

I very much feel I am lacking in most areas of my life, even the ones that seem to overtake my life, like my job. It's really frustrating, and I'm genuinely not happy with where I'm at. I need to do better.

Thankfully, people tell me I'm fairly strong willed, so... I just need to make better choices.

In other news, never, ever sub-lease your apartment out. It makes you want to shoot yourself in the head.

10 May 2007 @ 07:42 pm
So... did you know that everything is really funny when you don't go to sleep at night?

I pulled my first all-nighter. I don't know what's more shocking: that Amanda Johnson pulled an all-nighter, or that this is the first one since I've been in college. I've kinda come to the conclusion that my regular classes at SFA might have actually been too easy for me all these years... even with this project, I wasn't stressed in the least. Just tired. Really really tired.

So, I stay up all night finishing a project that I knew about since the first day of the semester. Then, for the same class, I proceed to go and take a ridiculously hard final (this is all for Choral Conducting II, btw... and because I was finishing my project on Faure's Requiem, I didn't study at all for the test). The thing is... the finals, the tests, they mean nothing in this class. Dr. King passes us anyway. Once again, too easy for my own good... ANYWAY (I'm still rambling like a tired person) I don't sleep, I finish my project, go to the UC to print it out, go take my final. After my final, Dr. King pulls me aside and says, "I heard from Ms. Berry that you might not be staying at SFA for your masters. I fought hard for you to get that assistantship, you were our #1 choice. What's going on?" I then proceed to disolve into tears. Like, I'm standing there, ready to give a perfectly rational explanation, when I suddenly realize I have absolutely NO POWER to hold back the shake in my voice, and the tears that are filling my eyes. I really, REALLY try to will them to go away, but... I'm just too tired. I can't ever remember that happening. As I try to give my rational explanation, falling apart at the seams to the point where I can't disolve from nearly sobbing, all I can say is, "Oh, Dr. King, I'm so sorry that I"m crying. I'm just really tired, really... and it's just a really complicated situation!" And I fall apart once again (while this entire scene is going on, I'm trying to put hole punches in my 20 page paper so that I can turn it in). Poor guy. He recovers well, "Amanda, in all of this, I really am just concerned with your feelings. I was just asking to see if you understood the situation."

Yeah. Woo. After I leave his office (my project thoroughly hole-punched), I go and my friends and everyone see me crying (because I can't STOP CRYING. It was awful). They then tell me it's going to be fine, and I'm going home today. YAY! And then I start crying again. See, yes I AM glad I'm going home, but it kinda snuck up on me this semester. I just never got to the point where all I wanted to do was "go home" liek I usually do. I do want to go home... it's just leaving... see, there's a lot of people that this is it for us. They're moving. First, there's Zach, who actually brought me to the Dallas Airport, walked all my luggage around, was there while I checked in, got a pass to go into security with me, bought me lunch at a bbq (like, good Texas bbq...) and waited until I had to get on a plane. He won't be here when I come back in the fall. Even more painful is probably the Unsworth's... see, they're a family who moved in, and he was the new Music History professor. Well, he happened to be Mormon (no longer the only one in the music department!), and his familiy is SO nice. Because I worked with both him and his wife closely in church, we all kinda became friends. Ally and I imparticular felt like sisters. They have cute kids who have just started to get the hang of my name. Anyway, I've been going over there for Sunday afternoons and dinners all sememster, and we talk, and listen/talk about music (I swear I learned more listening to their music collection and talking about it than I ever did a music history class), play games. Good times.

Well, he happens to be an organist. A really good organist. Actually, he just got appointed as the new Mormon Tabranacle Choir Organist. It's pretty close to the ultimate job in Organ world. Anyway, so this summer they're moving back to Utah, and leaving me alone, in the music department, again. :^( They really did become like my family.

Anyway, so, I wasn't prepared to go home. I am currently in Seattle, and on the plane ride here I managed to get about 4 hours of sleep. I think I'm going to go seek after food soon.... if you're going to be home during the summer at anytime, give me a call!!!
Current Location: Seattle Airport
Current Music: Just lots of people
but it's just a mood, and it'll pass. :^)

So, last week, I got really, really sick. Sicker than I've been in years... probably since my junior year of high school. It was miserable, adn it knocked me out for days. But cool, I thought I was better...

BUT... I STILL haven't fully recovered from illness. It's kinda weird/annoying. Generally speaking, I'm ok. Like, I can now climb up the hill to class and not be dying the entire way through conducting. I've also been running and such... which is good. But I still get this sharp pain in my stomach if I don't eat, or if I accidentally eat too much. Or if I don't drink water... but I can't drink too much water, either, or else I really start feeling miserable. If I DO start getting stomach pains, I have lie down flat on my back until they go away, which takes about 10 minutes. It's just weird... I can't remember this ever happening before.

The decision of Grad School (I'll graduate in December, and enter grad school for Spring Semester) SFA vs. UAF still stands, and I go back and forth daily. And then I got thinking, "Well, shouldn't I at least look INTO BYU? Seeing as that's the place where Jordan will most likely want to go?" I dont' even know where to start with that one. Maybe my best option is to just take the semester off. ... I guess I feel that if I do I'll lose my opprotunity for my assistantship and everything (and yes, I have already been given an assistantship by SFA for the Spring, and UAF has told me that they'd be happy to try to make it happen for me)... but a semester off would be so very nice, and I mean, don't I deserve it?... But then I wouldn't get to do the opera that semester, which I would LOVE to do... see how I talk myself in circles? I hate this. I feel like I'm an idiot for walkign away from a decent opprotunity, but even more of an idiot condemning myself to at least 4 more months of a long-distance relationship. I look at my goals in life... what do I truly want? Well... to be honest, I would give anythign to be with Jordan. Well, that kidna makes my decisino for me, don't you think? ... but... what if I could have BOTH. What if it's BETTER that I stay in Texas that semester. What if long-distance works for us? I definately want both if I can have both... but I"m not sure I can have both... ok, I'm going to shut up now.

But otherwise, my life is pretty decent. not to much craziness before the end of the semester, just a conducting project/final, and packing. Both are fairly big projects, but nothing too terrible. I'm not too stressed. I can't believe I'll be back in Alaska in a week... this semester went by so quickly. It's been dramatic and emotional, but probably the most fun I've ever had at college.

Anyway, I'm off to bed...

20 April 2007 @ 10:49 pm
Not six months ago I was pulling my hair out trying to decide if I should go to on a mission or finish my degree. I was agonizing over it for MONTHS. I couldn't sleep. I cried a lot. I asked for a lot of advice. I... I tried to do everything right. Finally, I made a decision that I'm quite positive was the right choice. And now...

NEW BIG DECISION: Stay at SFA for my grad work? Or go to UAF for my grad work? GAH. First of all, I can't believe I"m already trying to make this choice (I graduate in December). Second of all, it's very difficult to try to incorporate someone into your plans who is on the other side of the planet and very vaguely answers questions about the future (most because he really isn't supposed to think about his life after the mission). Third, it's just not fair. I never struggled with this problem in high school. I just "knew" I was supposed to go to SFA. It was so... clear cut to me. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT FEELING? HOW DO I GET IT BACK??? Now, I have two schools who clearly want me (my step-dad suggested I try to get SFA to provide me with a car if I stay... the thing is, they're desperate enough to keep me, they really might do it), and... I can't decide. UAF would be a better finantial decision, I could finally go home, I'd have extremely cheap rent (live with my parents), I could probably afford to buy a car, and I would be with Jordan when he got home. SFA would probably be better education wise... an almost garunteed lead role in the opera, a voice teacher I trust and know, and pretty much the entire voice faculty loving me forever. I could even make it home to AK for two weeks (if I got the money) to see Jordan, and he'd probably come here for a week. Yay for that. But...

When I really think about it, UAF is probably the smarter decision. It might be good for me to switch voice teachers. And who knows what opprotunities would be in Fairbanks for me... they have a small opera company starting up, which might have some really cool roles that I would be able to play. And I do so tire of being far away from Jordan. If I stay at SFA, I doubt I could even focus, knowing that he was home in Alaska. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm letting voice faculty down if I leave. I feel such loyalty to Nac and SFA. :^( When I try to make a solid decision, "yes I AM going to go to UAF" I just... feel guilty, in some ways.

And so... that latest crisis in my life. And despite what it may seem like, I actually have to make this decision within the next month. Boo.